There Are Not Actual Paper Pages in the Notebook Computer

In all of my 33 years, I have never had a computer class; nor has my husband. Porkchop (my husband’s nickname from his fender-lizard days—another blog post for another day) and I have managed successfully to live in a technologically modern home.

We have an old desk-top computer, and two (somewhat low-end but still decent) laptops, one of which is primarily used to hook up to the TV and watch football games on ESPN3. We managed, by ourselves, to “go wireless,” and stream Netflix through our video game console. Not going to get a write up in some computer magazine, but not too shabby for a guy called Porkchop and his trophy wife (OK. Trophy wife might be stretching it, but a girl can pretend).

Well, now my mother is moving on up. In a giant leap sort of way. She is getting a laptop and going wireless. Which is why she has called me 842 times this week. (I know that she is going to read this, so I want to make two things clear: 1. I, in no way whatsoever, mind helping her. For all of the babysitting and free meals, I would do anything she asked. That in no way makes this less humorous. 2. She is the one who kept pushing for me to write. Did she really think she would get to avoid becoming fodder my work?)

As an aside, my computer hates that I write like I speak, because there are a lot of sentence fragments. Sorry, spelling and grammar check.

My mother is not a technology moron or a technophobe. She has been using email since everyone had AOL (You’ve got mail!), and we have had a computer in the house since I was in elementary school (I am 33 now). She even made sure we had a mouse before we knew what the heck we were supposed to do with it. And it only had one button, a cord, a trackball, and no scrolling wheel. She functions pretty well on the basics.

Now for the flip side. The other day, she used her digital camera that my brother and I gave her approximately 300 years ago to take a picture of one of my kids. I asked her to please email it to me once she got it downloaded to her computer. Her solution to this was to get into her car, drive to my house and hand me the camera and the data cord. Megaprops for remembering the cord. And no, I still have not downloaded it and it has been a week.

So we shall see how this learning process goes. So far most of her questions have been about what kind of computer to get (“Mom, I really don’t think you need a $1200 MacBook  to use Word, check your email and play solitaire”), how one goes wireless, (“You have to plug the modem into the router, and ta-da!”), and what the difference between her DSL and my cable internet it (“Think Airtran versus the Millennium Falcon”).

The best part of her transformation: her printer. Though I am ridiculing my mother in a public forum, I am utterly impressed and jealous of her mad skill in the thrifty department. So far in the process, she has called the cable company to upgrade her connection. And bought a $200 wireless printer. Or rather, she stole it. Said printer lists for $199.99 and was on sale for $99.99. Mom had $50 rewards card, and you got $50 off if you brought in an old printer. Where she found the old printer, I don’t know, but girlfriend walked out of the store without spending one red cent.

Here is my next task: Once the new computer is procured and the wireless connection is in place, Mom should move said computer from the desk and use it as it was intended:

1. To provide information conveniently. So when she is watching White Collar and they reference an unfamiliar artist, she can look up information right then.

2. To enhance daily life. Three words: Food Network Recipes.

3. To connect with others: Girlfriend needs to be on Facebook so that she can read all of my hilarious and thought-provoking posts. Oh yeah, and she does have a couple of friends, too.

4. To waste hours of time playing pointless computer games and puzzles: This one won’t be too hard.

So while I try to move Mom ahead (I started to say teach the old dog new tricks, but that might be insulting, and my Mama raised me better than that), I will be in prayer for patience for us both. And together we will explain to Dad why there are not actual paper pages in the notebook computer.