Back Off My Blue Wedges, Buddy

Before Porkchop and I began implementing our plot for world domination (having a whole bunch of children), we made a decision that we would choose our battles. We would NOT, unless things got indecent, fight the hair and clothing battles. A great strategy. Until kid #3 came around. (Aside: In hindsight, there are probably much easier and less expensive ways to take over the world.)

God knew what he was doing when he gave me boys. I love that the morning routine at our house is incredibly simple: Get dressed, brush teeth, make beds, eat breakfast. Boys are super-low-maintenance at this point. I will say that it took me until the oldest was 18 months old to get over the fact that he was not a girl. Now I am just grateful that I do not have to do anyone’s hair (except my own) in the morning.

So after the first two boys, when we discovered that we were having a third, I thought, “Hot dog! No tights or hair bows and I can still use the hand-me-downs!”

And those two points have held true. Unfortunately, the low-maintenance expectation was blown out of the water by child number three.

He has long had a major shoe fetish. In his current size he has:

·         Tennis shoes (2 pair)

·         Crocs

·         Sandals

·         Cowboy boots

·         Work boots

·         Rain boots

·         Church shoes

·         Flip flops

·         Cleats

·         Slippers

I mean seriously. He has a better selection than I do. And he loves to try on everyone else’s shoes. We just about threw down this summer when kept hijacking my navy blue wedges.

Then there are the actual clothes issues. This summer, I got a call from his Nana. My little angel had thrown a major fit. Why you ask? Let me tell you. I had packed him a pair of blue jean shorts and a red tee shirt for play clothes. While I intended no drama, I offended his fashion sensibilities. Apparently, if you are wearing blue shorts, you must wear a blue shirt. And this holds true for all colors: red on red, orange on orange, and even turtle (camouflage) on turtle.

As he has gotten older, my little one’s fashion preferences are becoming more refined. He no longer insists on the matchy-matchy, but he certainly has opinions. Once he gets up in the morning, it usually takes him at least three shirts before he settles on the one that is just right. And before you say it, yes, we pick out clothes with him the night before. But morning apparently brings a new perspective, and it is imperative for three year olds always to be fashion-forward.

So after we make it through the school day (with the occasional wardrobe change AT school), we come home for lunch. As soon as he hits the door, he takes of his clothes and dons a fresh set of jammies. Usually of the superhero or dinosaur variety, but he sometimes branches out and goes with the snowmen motif.

After naps, it is back into clothes. He is a stinker and will do everything in his power to choose a new outfit that he has not worn that day. When I tell him he must wear the same clothes that he wore earlier, he has a supermodel-sized hissy fit. (Aside: When son #1 was in pre-k, he had to take something to school that started with an H. He asked to take his baby brother so his teacher could see him throw a hissy fit. H for hat? H for horse? Not at our house. H for hissy fit.) So we work out terms of the peace treaty, sign it and put it on display for the general populace. I am never sure who the victor is in these conflicts.

As the day draws to a close, the little monkey has a final costume change for the finale, and he usually violates the treaty by insisting on clean pajamas. That makes four (FOUR!) outfits the kid wants to go through in a day.

Again, before you ask, no. My washing machine never quits running. I am going to buy stock in Downey and All. And he is not getting any clothes for Christmas. Well, maybe one outfit. And some pajamas. And maybe a sweater. I have no idea where he gets this fashionista behavior.

Did I Earn a Cookie?

While I was hand-scrubbing the floor around the toilet in the bathroom belonging to my three boys (ages 3, 5, and 7), I thought, I should get some kind of award for this. Then it hit me. Mum Scouts. I mean, c’mon, if my son can get badges for tying knots (which he has been doing to shoelaces for a very long time), surely I could get some award for getting spaghetti-o stains out of shirts.

So here is my proposal: I say we moms join together to create Mum Scouts. When you agree to raise a child, you will receive your apron. Then, as you attempt and master certain tasks, you will receive apron strings. For instance, you learned how to change a little boy’s diaper without getting peed on: Apron String! You can actually insert the bow into the screaming baby girl’s hair: Apron String!

Some other notable Apron String activities:

·         You make a nutritious meal everyone in the family will happily eat

·         You make it a whole semester of school without forgetting your child’s snack day

·         You have a clean house for at least five minutes

·         You learn how not to cuss around your kids

·         You successfully get everyone to all practices, lessons, games, classes, appointments, play dates, etc. on time for a whole week.

·         You remember to pick everyone up from all practices, lessons, games, classes, appointments, play dates, etc. on time for a whole week.

So the Apron String activities are kind of big things. What about the little things you do every day. When you receive your apron, you will also receive a lovely necklace for which you can earn beads. These beads are for smaller victories such as cleaning the kids’ toilet, trying to make those brownies with the spinach in them, or making super-cute cupcakes for the school Christmas party.

And then there are bigger tasks you must face as a Mum Scout. When you get your first child to, as my three year old says, ride the potty train, there is a special ceremony of light. The other Mum Scouts will gather around the light of the backyard fire pit (of course, all small children will be safely corralled into play yards). There you will be awarded the Tiara of Mommydom, and you and your fellow scouts will triumphantly do the potty dance. For each additional child you get to board the potty train, you will earn a bottle wine and a long hot bath without an audience.

Perhaps the biggest task you will undertake as a Mum Scout will be getting your kid off the payroll. This should take about 20-25 years, and is very difficult to accomplish. It usually involves spending large amounts of money on the child’s education. It also involves huge amounts of worrying about your child’s ability to make wise decisions. When this day finally does come, you earn a quiet house and a raise. And a lot of missing those days when you thought you should earn an award for cleaning up after your sweet babies.

Operation: Christmas

So last week we began the discussion of the lists and letters to Santa. If you will pardon me for a moment, I have gotten out my soapbox for 2 points:

1. You don’t have to believe in Santa to believe in Santa. My parents taught me that Santa is the spirit of giving. The red suit and flying reindeer, while lots of fun, are not what is important about Santa. Santa models the love of God by showing us what it is to give with no desire to receive. And that beautiful spirit is why I choose to believe in the generosity that is Santa.

2. List making encourages selflessness. Some say that making wish lists makes kids think selfishly. I disagree. I think it makes them realize that they cannot have everything they want (Santa brings three toys to each child at our house in reference to the gold, frankincense and myrrh given to Christ) and they learn self -sacrifice (“I don’t want expensive gifts so I can give gifts to my grandparents”). I also think that it teaches them the life-skill of setting priorities.

Wait just a moment while I return my soapbox to the garage where I keep it.

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Ok. I am back. Now back to Operation: Christmas.

I wish I may, I wish I might hit the lottery to afford Christmas Night. Since that’s never going to happen, I must instead use my brain; what little of it that is not cluttered with field trip dates, homework assignment and 90’s song lyrics. So this is what I do after the kids are mostly brainwashed and I know their hearts’ desires.

First week of November: Crunch the numbers and find excuses—Now that the kids’ lists are in hand, I can start really filling in the spreadsheet and preparing for the fun. I love this step, but it is tough. I know my budget for each gift, and I stick to it. I sometimes hate not being able to get the kids everything they want, but we have to be sensible. Here are a few things the kids want which they will NOT be getting:

The three year old: A giant T-Rex, a puppy, a real sword

The five year old: A motorcycle, a four wheeler, a real shooting gun.

The seven year old: A TV, a cell phone, a real bow and arrow set, a baby

I pretty much have a no weaponry policy for Christmas gifts. And thank goodness our homeowners’ association covenants forbid us from putting up a half-pipe in the back yard!

Veteran’s Day Weekend: All shopping complete!—This is the weekend America honors its veterans by discounting much merchandise and encouraging citizens to spend their hard-earned cash. So I join the festivities by shopping for my children and their teachers, etc. It is imperative that all shopping is at least 90% completed before Thanksgiving, since that is when all hell breaks loose the magic starts to happen!

Saturday through Wednesday before Thanksgiving: Prepping the house and cards— How long do you think it takes me to prepare my tree for decorating? Did you say 3 hours? Nope. Did you say 3 days. Yep. Three days of lights and hundreds of gold and red glass balls getting poked into the tree. The gifts are fun, but it is just not Christmas without massive amounts of shiny stuff everywhere. This step always reminds of the little boy from Where the Red Fern Grows setting his raccoon traps. Once they see something shiny, they just can’t leave it alone. If you don’t get the reference, read the book.

Thanksgiving Day: IT’S OFFICIAL!—At noon, Santa shows up in the Macy’s parade, and we can officially listen to as much Christmas music as we want without annoying my brother. Sure, we are good Americans who go to Nana’s and eat turkey and sweet potatoes. But my family knows that this day is the day when the stockings get hung and the ornaments go on the tree. My favorite moment is when the angel goes on top of the tree and I stand in wonder of the whole season. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Thanksgiving through Mid December: The Furious Scramble—Two weeks. I teach at a Christian preschool. These are the busiest and sparkly-est two weeks of my year.  Aside from Beyonce glam in gold glitter while teaching my little ones about the greatest gift of all, I spend these two weeks preparing teacher gifts for my own children’s teachers (9 regular teachers, 4 office staffers, 4 administrators, a host of Sunday school teachers, choir leaders, and Bible study leaders). That is a whole bunch of peanut brittle right there.

Christmas Vacation: Finding Focus—This is perhaps my favorite week of all 52 of them. During the first week of Christmas vacation, I take each one of the boys out. I give them a budget and let them choose gifts for the special people in their lives. I help to think about what others want and need rather than what they want themselves. We go on a dinner date, one-on-one, and we talk about what Christmas really is. It is like looking through a telescope and bringing it into focus. All of the fuzzy (trees, lights, bows, presents) falls away and we see what is really there: love, compassion, joy, generosity.

Christmas Eve: Seeking the Silent Night— let me be literal. We spend the morning and lunch with my parents opening presents and letting the kids be loud and play. We then rush home, force the kids to nap, get dressed up and rush to church (My FAVORITE service!), rush to Granny’s for Christmas with Porkchop’s family, rush home to read Luke 2 and The Night Before Christmas, get the kids in bed (errr, sleeping bag in our bedroom floor), then stay up to track Santa until we know everything is ready for in the morning. Finally, usually around 3:00, we find a few hours of silent night. 

Christmas Day: The Balancing Act—we have LOADS of family in town, and everyone loves to see the kids on Christmas. This makes for a hectic day. So Dear Dad, Thank you for continuing your family’s tradition of champaign brunches on Christmas Day.

December 26: Getting Started—Two words: Hallmark Sale.

So do I plan and rush, rush, rush? Sure I do. So that when it is important, I can sit back and marvel at the sheer joy God has provided.

Christmas: The Early Rounds

In our last conversation, I rationalized my insane behaviors. I thought you might like a glimpse into my personal neuroses.

So here is my Christmas planning, prepping and executing strategy by date with explanations. Some of you might be jealous of my amazing Christmas abilities (Where did I put that Super Mom cape?). Others will simply shake their head. Perhaps some will send me the name of a good therapist. Whatever you do, just remember that I am a little sensitive. Please don’t be too harsh.

August/September: Begin making Christmas lists—This happens because my children all have their birthdays between August 7 and September 21. As people ask them what they want for their birthdays, they start thinking. This is usually quite dangerous and very expensive. I write the overflow ideas down. No. Who uses pen and paper? I save the overflow ideas in my phone. This is the beginning of the lists.

Labor Day Weekend: Set up spreadsheet—Yes, I am that crazy. I have a spreadsheet. Here are the fields I have: To, From, Where Gift is Given, When Gift is given, What Gift is, Bought-on Date, Estimated Cost, Actual Cost, Cost Difference, and Store Purchased From. I also have check boxes for Ordered, Received, Wrapped, and Given. There are currently 184 gifts listed on the spreadsheet for this year from bags of peanut brittle for Sunday school teachers to underwear and video games for the kids. Because the kids love the socks and underwear package every year. I can't wait to give that one to them in front of their future girlfriends!

September/October: Gather materials and brainwash children—This is perhaps the most crucial step. You know you do it, too. You start holding onto the catalogs and marking them. And then you start showing them to the kids. “Ohhhhh! Check out this puzzle game! You would love this!” and on the inside you are saying, “Please, please, please like this! It is only $15, and the hand-held electronic device you think you want and will never play with is waaaaayyyy too expensive.” This process will continue throughout the holiday season. With any luck it will work before Christmas morning.

Last weekend in October: Letters to Santa and heavy drinking—This is another crucial step. We load up the family for a day of wishes. We walk every aisle of the Toys R Us, Target, GameStop, and whatever other merchandise venues are necessary while making lists complete with locations and prices. Porkchop and I usually follow this with copious amounts of wine, liquor or both as we prepare ourselves for  poverty. (Dear children, I am sorry you will be eating pasta and dry cereal for the next 3 months. We had to cut back on real food to afford your Christmas presents.)

To Be Continued…