Did I Earn a Cookie?

While I was hand-scrubbing the floor around the toilet in the bathroom belonging to my three boys (ages 3, 5, and 7), I thought, I should get some kind of award for this. Then it hit me. Mum Scouts. I mean, c’mon, if my son can get badges for tying knots (which he has been doing to shoelaces for a very long time), surely I could get some award for getting spaghetti-o stains out of shirts.

So here is my proposal: I say we moms join together to create Mum Scouts. When you agree to raise a child, you will receive your apron. Then, as you attempt and master certain tasks, you will receive apron strings. For instance, you learned how to change a little boy’s diaper without getting peed on: Apron String! You can actually insert the bow into the screaming baby girl’s hair: Apron String!

Some other notable Apron String activities:

·         You make a nutritious meal everyone in the family will happily eat

·         You make it a whole semester of school without forgetting your child’s snack day

·         You have a clean house for at least five minutes

·         You learn how not to cuss around your kids

·         You successfully get everyone to all practices, lessons, games, classes, appointments, play dates, etc. on time for a whole week.

·         You remember to pick everyone up from all practices, lessons, games, classes, appointments, play dates, etc. on time for a whole week.

So the Apron String activities are kind of big things. What about the little things you do every day. When you receive your apron, you will also receive a lovely necklace for which you can earn beads. These beads are for smaller victories such as cleaning the kids’ toilet, trying to make those brownies with the spinach in them, or making super-cute cupcakes for the school Christmas party.

And then there are bigger tasks you must face as a Mum Scout. When you get your first child to, as my three year old says, ride the potty train, there is a special ceremony of light. The other Mum Scouts will gather around the light of the backyard fire pit (of course, all small children will be safely corralled into play yards). There you will be awarded the Tiara of Mommydom, and you and your fellow scouts will triumphantly do the potty dance. For each additional child you get to board the potty train, you will earn a bottle wine and a long hot bath without an audience.

Perhaps the biggest task you will undertake as a Mum Scout will be getting your kid off the payroll. This should take about 20-25 years, and is very difficult to accomplish. It usually involves spending large amounts of money on the child’s education. It also involves huge amounts of worrying about your child’s ability to make wise decisions. When this day finally does come, you earn a quiet house and a raise. And a lot of missing those days when you thought you should earn an award for cleaning up after your sweet babies.