Christmas: The Early Rounds

In our last conversation, I rationalized my insane behaviors. I thought you might like a glimpse into my personal neuroses.

So here is my Christmas planning, prepping and executing strategy by date with explanations. Some of you might be jealous of my amazing Christmas abilities (Where did I put that Super Mom cape?). Others will simply shake their head. Perhaps some will send me the name of a good therapist. Whatever you do, just remember that I am a little sensitive. Please don’t be too harsh.

August/September: Begin making Christmas lists—This happens because my children all have their birthdays between August 7 and September 21. As people ask them what they want for their birthdays, they start thinking. This is usually quite dangerous and very expensive. I write the overflow ideas down. No. Who uses pen and paper? I save the overflow ideas in my phone. This is the beginning of the lists.

Labor Day Weekend: Set up spreadsheet—Yes, I am that crazy. I have a spreadsheet. Here are the fields I have: To, From, Where Gift is Given, When Gift is given, What Gift is, Bought-on Date, Estimated Cost, Actual Cost, Cost Difference, and Store Purchased From. I also have check boxes for Ordered, Received, Wrapped, and Given. There are currently 184 gifts listed on the spreadsheet for this year from bags of peanut brittle for Sunday school teachers to underwear and video games for the kids. Because the kids love the socks and underwear package every year. I can't wait to give that one to them in front of their future girlfriends!

September/October: Gather materials and brainwash children—This is perhaps the most crucial step. You know you do it, too. You start holding onto the catalogs and marking them. And then you start showing them to the kids. “Ohhhhh! Check out this puzzle game! You would love this!” and on the inside you are saying, “Please, please, please like this! It is only $15, and the hand-held electronic device you think you want and will never play with is waaaaayyyy too expensive.” This process will continue throughout the holiday season. With any luck it will work before Christmas morning.

Last weekend in October: Letters to Santa and heavy drinking—This is another crucial step. We load up the family for a day of wishes. We walk every aisle of the Toys R Us, Target, GameStop, and whatever other merchandise venues are necessary while making lists complete with locations and prices. Porkchop and I usually follow this with copious amounts of wine, liquor or both as we prepare ourselves for  poverty. (Dear children, I am sorry you will be eating pasta and dry cereal for the next 3 months. We had to cut back on real food to afford your Christmas presents.)

To Be Continued…